for real Moe?

been in my feelings all weekend. & i'm seriously trippin HARD!! i was doing sooooo good with this whole happiness thing. like everybody keeps saying it's gonna be OK! it really is...it's gonna be OK! just too much happening in such a short span of time i guess. I've been thru worse and if i can make it thru the loss of my father, my baby, & close friends (due to distance not death) then I can overcome anything that i'm feeling right now.

a girl deserves to trip sometimes. but no more. gotta get back focused on my weight loss journey & trying to figure out what the hell i'm gonna do with the rest of my life.

♥

gotta do better

this week has definitely been a tough one. I've had lots of good moments. bad moments. What the f*ck moments. omg no u didn't moments. & two RIP moments (RIP Barney Wright & Becky E)

I went over my points i think 3days this week & i only walked 1 day. i'm really disappointed in myself because I was doing sooo good & then I allowed myself to become preoccupied mentally & emotionally and it set me back. But all I can do is learn from this week and work harder to do better.

I've been trying to blog about this new "friend" that I have but it's so unbelievable what's going on that I can't even put it into words yet. Maybe one day i'll be able to express into words how it's making me feel. But for now I gotta get my head outta the clouds, get my mind back on straight and get my emotions in control.

This week however has definitely showed me who I can count on when I'm in need. Whether I just need a kind word, confirmation on some things, someone to bitch to, or someone to tell me that it's gonna be OK! I have a unique set of girlfriends & I love all of them dearly. They keep me grounded, encourage me, and even if they don't realize it, they definitely put me into my place.

I fell this week in a lot of areas. A lot. I've made so much progress through the past few weeks & even the past few years. And I can't allow one week to just negate all that.

So like the song says...we fall down. BUT WE GET UP! & I'm going to do better......

i think i'm...

happy. (that is all for now. will blog more later.)

vibes

in counseling one time I had to watch this movie on vibes. good vibes. bad vibes. getting vibes from ur external environment & how they affect ur internal. i'm a strong believer of vibes in everything. i think the vibes you put out affect what kind of friends you have, how you do at your job, but for the sake of this blog, i'm talking about vibes & romantic relationships.

i always thought that i gave out "non desperate" vibes. i know society has ppl programmed to believe that if ur a larger woman you have to settle for less than you deserve (in my case, older, crusty, men who aren't really about anything, or guys who only wanted to sleep with me bcuz big girls are "easy" apparently)& that's all that used to hit on me & I couldn't seem to figure out why!!

i think i'm finally able to say that the truth is, i didn't really love myself. (that may come as a shock to some, but not to others) i wasn't happy with myself. i was lonely, and honestly i probably would've accepted any old joe that came & talked to me. so i guess without even realizing it, I was emitting those vibes of desperation.

well since i've started my journey i can honestly say that i'm learning to love me...all of me. every nook, cranny, roll...whatever. i love me. i'm proud of me. i'm hopeful about the things that my future holds for me. & i think my weight loss journey is impacting the way I look at other things in my life.

i think my newfound GENUINE confidence is changing my vibes & I think good things are about to happen for me (remember i'm speaking in terms of relationships). but for now, still taking it slow. one day at a time. don't want to rush into anything too quickly (trying to learn from the past)but i'm keeping an open mind & an open heart

i know that i still have a long way to go but yeah....*all smiles*

#frustrated

(yes i meant to put a hashtag there)So i was coming off a high last week because the scale showed that i lost between 2.5-4lbs. I was very proud of myself, I exercised (even though it wasn't much) & I ate as well as I could. (although I could've passed on that last slice of pizza)I digress.

Sunday was a mess. I woke up & decided that instead of eating lunch I was going to go ahead and make a small but filling breakfast. So I scrambled 2 eggs & had a bagel thin (4point breakfast!) & I was satisfied! I knew we were going to be out & about that day, so I ate an apple before I left the house so that I wouldn't be tempted to stop at a convienience(sp) store for chips. Plan worked. Well family decided we were going to a buffet for a birthday. Not just any buffet...CHINESE! I went (kicking & screaming) because I knew that it was going to blow all of my points for that DAY & possibly well into my weekly points. I did my best to calculate the points, but i'm sure I was grossly undercalculating. I went out that night in hopes of being able 2 sweat some of that off 2 get some activity points...FAIL!

Ok so whatever, it happens. Cool. Well yesterday I decided to have subway for lunch. sounds good right (esp since i don't eat condiments). Bought a footlong (w/plans of eating 1/2 for lunch & 1/2 for dinner). FAIL! I left my apple, water, & string cheese in my office & didn't feel like getting it. so i smashed that WHOLE sandwich! 15points!! WTF!

ok fine, that still left plenty of points for dinner. I went to the grocery store & damn near left in TEARS! It's already frustrating that I'm a picky eater (have this issue w/textures & smells). But to be a picky eater that's tryna be healthier..."all aboard to frustration city!" I walked around that store trying to find healthier alternatives to my favorite meals...expensive! (& i'm cheap...sometimes). so i spent $30 & didn't get anything but hamburger helper, pasta, fruit, wheat crackers, gum & WW Icecream & a diet coke!

so i made the HH last night, but I did it with turkey meat. (YAY ME!!)i could taste the difference from using ground meet but it was still pretty good, so i don't mind making the substitution...sometimes!

so today...Tuesday...the beginning of the week I need 2 get back on track to my road to 200! i had cereal & an apple for breakfast. Just had some pretzels for a snack & I'm prob gonna have a small lunch & dinner. This is my plan for the next few days. Walking also begins again (& I can't wait for my new shapely girl DVD to come in the mail!!!)

sooo yeah. back to it Monique....too early to get stuck in Frustration city!!

♥

First week....

so the first week of WW is officially OVER!! And boy did it have it's ups and downs. Definitely have to thank everyone for their support. So far there's been a positive reception. Even from ppl who I think are most critical of me. I didn't really want some ppl to know because then if i decide to have a cheeseburger one day, I knew they were gonna be lookin' at me sideways. But whatever, what other ppl think of me is their problem (new mantra.

Ok so some of the good things about this week:
- I haven't had ANY chips! (I miss my doritos tho!)
- I've been eating a lot of fruit & drinking a lot of water.
- Out of the past 7 days i've done a 1 mile walk for 3 of them. (may not sound like a lot to most ppl, but trust me...that's HUGE!)
- Even before someone someone found out that I was doin WW, she asked me if I had been trying to lose weight because I was looking a little slimmer, which shows me that the small changes that I was making before I officially started WW actually worked! (& this came from the most negative & critical person i've ever met in my life!)

Ok so some NOT so good things about this week:
- I'm having a hard time finding a balance. I think i only ate "breakfast" 1 day this week, any other time I might just have a half of cup of pineapples or 1/2 a cup of applesauce. & then I'll have a small lunch. (lunches haven't been a problem though, thank God the only lunch meat that I eat is 1 that they actually recommend! roast beef)
- dinners are still a problem. i ate out twice this week (& of course went over my points each time, which is ok because i haven't been using all of my daily points & I still have weekly ones left over).
- at work i'm having a hard time getting all of my water in. I mean i still drink water, but i probably only make it thru 32oz (IF that!) So i need to work on trying to get my water in.
- & i'm not doing enough activity. i only got 9 activity points this week. WW doesn't tell u how many you should earn, but ppl on the boards have been saying that you should aim for 28! sooo i have a new DVD coming & i'm still tryna budget for Curves. (u rlly can't beat burnin 500 calories in 30mins)

so yeah, the first week. had it's good. had it's bad. i had my moments of self-doubt. but i've been getting motivation from places I hadn't even expected. It's going to take some adjusting but i KNOW that I can do this! I WANT TO DO THIS! andddd if my scale is correct (which i have my suspicions that it isn't sometimes lol) I've lost between 2.5 & 3lbs!! Praying that it's right...even if it isn't, it's the motivation that I need 2 keep going! lol.

k that's my first week update.

♥kisses♥

truth♥

The truth is that we have no one else to turn to; yet for some reason, we don't seem to know how to come to him. We don't realize that we can be accepted by him and find tender mercy and healing from the scars of life and for our bruised heart-until our depression, fear, and separation cause us to seek shelter in the presence of the Lord

- TD Jakes

gym is a dirty word....

well not really but it should be lol. for real i have nothing against the gym itself. when i used to go with the J's back in the day i actually felt good & energized when i was done & I felt a lot better about myself. However there is one huge hurdle that I just can't seem to overcome...

INSECURITY

I just feel like people are watching me! like there needs to be a fats only section at the gym. lol (no but for real). i'm sure no one in the gym is paying attention to me struggling on the treadmill or killing myself on the elliptical. but in my mind...all eyes are on me as soon as i walk thru the door. & then it doesn't help that there are full length mirrors in like EVERY EFFIN GYM! WTF i don't get it!?! whyyy do i need to look at myself huffing & puffing next to someone who looks like they could be on America's next top model or something.

LW asked me if i wanted to start going to gold's w/her bcuz they're running a VERY affordable special right now. & i want to because i feel like going to the gym would definitely help expedite my weight loss (other than just walking). But i have so many hesitations. I've spent my whole life assuming that people are always talking about me. that's how i became the funny girl...make them laugh with me before they can laugh AT me.

I guess that's why I was so attracted to Curves. these are women who look just like me. Most of them older, but idk i can deal with old lumpy looking women than fit skinny ones. Curves just doesn't fit in my budget right now tho. I need to sit down & really figure out a way to incorporate it though. It'd be heaven if i could burn 500 calories in 30 minutes (no bull, that's how their program works)

so idk....maybe i need to just step out on faith & start going to the gym, bcuz @ this rate i feel like i'mma lose like half a pound a week & my goal is @ least 2. (wish i could lose biggest loser style weight tho, effin 5, 10, 12lbs a week lol) but until i figure it out i'll still keep walking (didn't do my mile yesterday bcuz for some reason my knee was killing me.) & i didn't feel like doing it tonite but i MADE myself get outta the bed & do it. so kudos Monique!

soo updates. i think i'm doing really well on the program right now. i haven't gone over my points since I went over on monday. I know i probably annoyed my sister yesterday. we went to her house for pancake day & every thing she cooked i was like, do u still have the pack? i need to see the nutrition information lol. but hey...i gotta do what i gotta do.

so thanks for reading. sorry if my posts bore you. but i have some other things going on in my life right now that I'm not quite ready to share with the world yet. & this is positive & important to me & i don't mind sharing with the 2.5 ppl who read this lol.

tis all for now.

support....

k so today was a bit of a test for me but i think i did pretty good. i went to applebees today & i absolutely LOVE their buffalo wings! i was looking at the menu and they had some good things that were under 10points on the menu but nothing that i really wanted. i wanted a cheeseburger or some wings! in the end i settled on a grilled chicken sandwich...mind u i still got it with fries & bacon on it. but baby steps is what i keep reminding myself. i saved about 20points by not getting buffalo wings & i saved about 11 points by not getting a burger! it's going to take some time, it's only been 3days!!!!

i was feeling kinda bad about going over my points (although i compensated by only eating an apple & string cheese for dinner...i know not good but i just didn't wanna add another 10-15points by eating a full dinner). so i decided to take advantage of the WW message boards. and i sooo see why CM is obsessed w/her boards. It was so nice to have people who had been in my shoes, who didn't know me from adam and were able to offer me genuine support, motivation, and encouragement. so i'll be posting there a lot more because i need to know that i'm not in this alone.

exercise-wise...i'm trying to do too much too soon. i didn't finish the 1 mile walk, and that's only because i started doing the 2mile & it's a bit more intense than the one mile. so i NEED to do the 1mile for the rest of the week & maybe until next week...then i can do the 2mile and start doing other things. but for now i need 2 be slow & steady...sooo calm the eff down Monique!!! lol

back to work tomorrow. & this hurts my heart. i've thouroughly enjoyed this last week off from work. & i know it's gonna be sooo crazy when we go back to work tomorrow. I can't even sit here & pretend like it's gonna be nice to see everybody, because honestly i can do without about 85% of the ppl that i encounter on a daily basis. (that's probably rude but this is my truth lol).

that's it for now. maybe one of these days i'll get back into blogging my feelings & emotions the way i used to on myspace. lol

buh-bye♥

day 2

k so i'm prob not gonna update every single day becauseeeee that'd get to be a bit much. but starting out i need to blog, more for myself than anyone else. ok so even though it's just the second day, i decided to go to the grocery store today, with point calculator in hand! what fun (insert sarcasm here). I'm determined to stick to my budget even though i'm supposed to be adopting a healthier lifestyle now. Also i know that WW markets specific stuff that already has point values on it but a)it's usually more expensive than other things & b)i need to learn for myself how to eat "normal foods" but still stay within my range. so shopping today was a bit stressful. just because things I would usually go in and just pick up what i want, toss it in my cart, go home & enjoy. but today I actually had to study the nutrition facts & calculate points & decide what was worth buying.

i do think i deprived myself a little bit though because i could have still gotten some of my favorite things I just need to learn portion control, which i believe is going to be one of the biggest things for me. so i think i just want to read more articles on the WW site, & get an idea of what kind of meals I can eat, learn how to pick out more filling foods. Snacks won't be an issue. string cheese, popcorn, apples...i can do that. I actually enjoy that. lunches @ work during the week won't be a problem either (i'll have my smart ones, lean cuisines, & sandwiches)

my main issue is going to be...HOME! what do i eat for dinner? how do i calculate the point value for things that aren't on the WW list? i think i need to learn how to prepare my own meals. i'm not sure if i wanna go so far as to weigh stuff, but until i can actually get an idea for what an ounce of meat is & things like that, then i might just have to go that route.

as for my activity today i did finish the brisk 1mile walk again. YAY ME! I was trying to do a different workout today too but i think i just need to stick with the brisk 1mile for this week. and then next week maybe i can upgrade to the 2mile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
i was really hard on myself today. i really need to realize that i didn't get to this weight overnight. it took me 24years to get here! hopefully it won't take 24yrs to get to a healthy weight lol. but it's going to take time. i know that i need to just take it one day at a time. be kind to myself if i mess up. there's no one there who is going to berate me if i fall. so i just need to give it my best.

tis all for now.


♥peace♥

day 1

so day 1 of my weight loss journey is complete. I call today (well technically yesterday) day 1 because it's no longer in the planning stage of "oh one day i'm going to lose weight" but i've actually started!

the calculating points thing is going to be a bit difficult. well not difficult in the sense of knowing how many points something is, that part is gonna be semi-easy. but actually realizing how small portions are supposed to be, and seeing how many points my favorite foods are is somewhat of a slap in the face. But i'm in this to get healthy & happy. So i gotta stick with it.

In terms of fitness, i did a brisk 1 mile walk today. So kudos to me. Just starting out so not tryna do too much too quickly. Baby steps. Seeing as how i have a sedentary lifestyle just getting outta the bed long enough to walk for a mile is a huge step for me.

So stay tuned....

"the longest journey begins with a single step. & weight loss is a journey, not a destination".

peace.

i just wanna be in love...

....not because it's close to Valentine's day & love is in the air. I've been waiting to be in love for a long time! Not sure i've ever experienced true love. As a teenager what I thought was love was actually abuse. (Took me a long time to come to that realization.) Then got involved with someone & thought I was in love. But it wasn't reciprocal. It was only lust for him. He made no secret about it. And that's what it was supposed to be for me. But you couldn't tell me anything, I just KNEW I was in love with him (secretly of course, because he was married & my friends didn't approve). But once we created a life together (that was subsequently lost) I figured out that I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with the attention. I was in love with the way he made me feel. I was in love with who WE were supposed to be.

Then not long after I thought I was in love AGAIN. & with Daniel it probably was the closest thing I had to being truly in love. After the initial "honeymoon" period of our relationship was over, then I realized that I only "loved" him because he wanted me. & after being emotionally rejected by my "baby's father", I just needed to feel a connection to someone again. Daniel & I were like emotional leeches to each other. He soothed the feelings that I was dealing with after my loss. & I was his only support after having a hell of a life where the only person he could count on was himself. And of course if I make myself available to him again then we could continue our "relationship", but I know in my heart & mind that i'd just be settling and he can't POSSIBLY be the person i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

& along the way during my short 24yrs on earth there have been a couple other fools who don't even deserve mentioning in this blog. lol

My point is. I just wanna be in LOVE. I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not just sleep with me because they think that I'm an easy lay (which honestly as a self-aware woman I can say that in the past i've given myself to ppl who were less than deserving...) I want that person that I can laugh with. Someone who will offer their ear & shoulder when the extra emotional pisces comes out of me. Someone who can put up with my mood swings. Someone to worship with. Travel with. The father of my child(ren). A king to my queen. Someone who accepts me, regardless of my weight or hair length. Someone who will open my mind to new things. I want someone who will allow me to LOVE them back as best as I can. I want to fall in love with my friend♥

I know that I'm deserving of love. ppl say that when you aren't looking for it, that's when you find it. Well everytime it's "found me", it's been the same type of person. Everyone emits certain vibes, and maybe subconsciously I emit "creepers only" vibes. It's also true what they say that two incomplete people can't be in a relationship and maybe there are some things that I still (with the help of God & possibly therapy) need to work out before I'll be ready to take my mate.

In the meantime, the soundtrack to my heart remains "Ready for love" (India Arie) & "Will I ever" (Lyfe)..........

peace.

Just some of my faves...

...statuses (statii?) from Facebook. Some quotes are too good to just let get lost into FB oblivion

::"Being beautiful doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see." -Gabourey Sidibe

When youre down to nothing,, God's up to something" - Joel Osteen

Dear God, I don't tell u enough, but u are truly amazing. What did I ever do to deserve ur favor? Thank u for not turning ur back on me, even when I acted like a spoiled brat. I love you. Amen.

being fabulous is a full time job...& most folks are only working it part time! ~Sheryl Lee Ralph

u are important enough to ask & blessed enough to receive back!" ~Wayne Dyer

You have thought about it, talked about it & prayed about it. Now it’s time to do something. Col 3:23

Let go of needing to know why things happen as they do. Do what you can, look for what you can learn & let the rest go.” ~TheDailyLove

Self worth comes from one thing --thinking that YOU ARE WORTHY! ~ Wayne Dyer

::"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."-J.P. Morgan

I was chosen by God 2 B ME! W/wonderful traits & attributes that R uniquely MINE. 2day, knowing that I’m chosen by God, I embrace all that I am--that which I like about myself & even that which I don’t. I move thru this & evry day w/an unshakable sense of confidence, purpose, & divine entitlement. Thank u God for me as ME.

....that's all for now :)