....not because it's close to Valentine's day & love is in the air. I've been waiting to be in love for a long time! Not sure i've ever experienced true love. As a teenager what I thought was love was actually abuse. (Took me a long time to come to that realization.) Then got involved with someone & thought I was in love. But it wasn't reciprocal. It was only lust for him. He made no secret about it. And that's what it was supposed to be for me. But you couldn't tell me anything, I just KNEW I was in love with him (secretly of course, because he was married & my friends didn't approve). But once we created a life together (that was subsequently lost) I figured out that I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with the attention. I was in love with the way he made me feel. I was in love with who WE were supposed to be.
Then not long after I thought I was in love AGAIN. & with Daniel it probably was the closest thing I had to being truly in love. After the initial "honeymoon" period of our relationship was over, then I realized that I only "loved" him because he wanted me. & after being emotionally rejected by my "baby's father", I just needed to feel a connection to someone again. Daniel & I were like emotional leeches to each other. He soothed the feelings that I was dealing with after my loss. & I was his only support after having a hell of a life where the only person he could count on was himself. And of course if I make myself available to him again then we could continue our "relationship", but I know in my heart & mind that i'd just be settling and he can't POSSIBLY be the person i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
& along the way during my short 24yrs on earth there have been a couple other fools who don't even deserve mentioning in this blog. lol
My point is. I just wanna be in LOVE. I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not just sleep with me because they think that I'm an easy lay (which honestly as a self-aware woman I can say that in the past i've given myself to ppl who were less than deserving...) I want that person that I can laugh with. Someone who will offer their ear & shoulder when the extra emotional pisces comes out of me. Someone who can put up with my mood swings. Someone to worship with. Travel with. The father of my child(ren). A king to my queen. Someone who accepts me, regardless of my weight or hair length. Someone who will open my mind to new things. I want someone who will allow me to LOVE them back as best as I can. I want to fall in love with my friend♥
I know that I'm deserving of love. ppl say that when you aren't looking for it, that's when you find it. Well everytime it's "found me", it's been the same type of person. Everyone emits certain vibes, and maybe subconsciously I emit "creepers only" vibes. It's also true what they say that two incomplete people can't be in a relationship and maybe there are some things that I still (with the help of God & possibly therapy) need to work out before I'll be ready to take my mate.
In the meantime, the soundtrack to my heart remains "Ready for love" (India Arie) & "Will I ever" (Lyfe)..........
peace.
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