The Knots Prayer (a must read)

Dear God:

Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots,and
might nots that may find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
my heart and my life all of the "am nots"
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
Amen

(Author unknown - but known to God)

10 days? my baddd!! birthday updates

10 days. i'm sorry for the handful of ppl reading this. not my intention to let it go that long without updating but life has been blissfully busy the past week. So let's chat....

first, i'm 24!!!!!! my birthday was A♥M♥A♥Z♥I♥N♥G!!!! Seriously, the entire week! ok so play by play: bear with me!

Sunday ► baby sis' baby shower! It was so nice! well during the shower someone coerced me into taking double shots of bubble gum *ahem Jenni* soo I started 2 get twisted quite early lol. As the night progressed I got completely TRASHED! Apparently I had a great time but i definitely don't remember much of it. Also my brother & soon 2 be sister in law bought me a COACH!!! i was so excited and surprised!!! i'm so spoiled! Been a long time since i got that wasted & i have a feeling it'll be a while b4 it happens again

Monday ► started off quite rocky. Horrible hangover & extreme irritation. Definitely almost ruined the day, but thank God that it didn't! Spent the day in DC with my BOO!!! Yup...it's official. He's my boo now! It was great just riding arnd w/him, having lunch @ one of my FAVE restaurants (#shoutout 2 UNOS!)Then I met up w/my Ashley.Nicole!! [[missed her!]]

late Monday/Early Tuesday ► regardless of how tired I am, I always stay up until midnite so that I can be the 1st person 2 wish myself a happy birthday [[something i've been doin since childhood lol]] Well, this year things were pleasantly different. Boo came over around 11:30 & we chilled. Then a few minutes b4 12 he prayed for me & sang happy birthday to me [[yup bcuz he's that amazing♥]]...anddd that's all abt that i'mma put out in the blogosphere

TUESDAY MARCH 16, 2010 ►►►► HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY MONIQUE!!!!
K soooo it was FINALLY my bday! my most favorite day of the year. I'm so glad I finally got excited abt it bcuz i was def dreading it @ first! Woke up in a great mood & after so many gloomy days the weather was BEAUTIFUL!! Boo surprised me w/flowers & balloons. Went 2 the mall & bought a few things. Had a few drinks...yeah it was noon but it was my BIRTHDAY!!!! LOL. Then I spent the afternoon shopping with one of my FAVE cousins, my sissy, & sis-in-law!! Got another Coach [[name-brand whore]] Had lunch/dinner @ Cracker Barrel (i had NO idea they sold ish other than breakfast lol). #yummmm. I also bought TWO dresses from Old navy! I haven't worn a dress since 2004 (& that was just for sissy's wedding & my prom!) Before that I was 16 the last time i wore a dress! But i feel like it's time 2 evolve...i was excited. Can't wait to wear them! Didn't want the day to end...andd it didn't. We decided to go out...yeah on a Tuesday & unfortunately I didn't take off from work the day after. But it was my bday sooo yeah. We went out. Def wasn't feeling the venue @ first but then the music started going & it actually wasn't that bad. With my favorite sisters, brother, cousins, bro-in-law...had a great time. But only one thing could've made it better...if my baby were there.

Well halfway thru the night, guess who showed up. Yup, u got it. Mr Wonderful♥ So to be able to party with my family & my boo was just a perfect ending to an already great day! Yeah, excited to see what the 25th birthday has in store. I'm hoping to spend it on someone's beach tho!

Wednesday ► I was in no way physically or mentally able to go to work the next day. So @ the urging of my boo I took a mental health day. It was greatly needed. He's so smart :)

Thursday ► back to work & life as normal. BOOOOOO. lol. Was supposed 2 have outback night with my faves buttt shit happens. *kanye shrug* & ended up spending the afternoon sitting by the water downtown w/the boo. It was so simple. But so great. Especially since he kinda came 2 my "rescue". So all was not lost!!

Friday ► Got to see two of my favorites!! Rach & Tiff! anddd got Coach #3! (did i mention that i'm extremely spoiled!) Got home that night & my two favorite teenagers were @ my house...MY NIECEY POOHS!!! All I have to say is this...that night DEFINITELY solidified the fact that they are not kids anymore. My babies are officially growing up. I love them so much & i'm glad that they feel comfortable enough 2 talk 2 me about all kinds of stuff...and when i say all kinds of stuff...i def mean it. SMH those girls...and ended the evening boo lovin!

Saturday ► the ending to my bday festivities. It was absolutely GORGEOUS outside!!!! Even broke out the sandals! Oh how my toes missed freedom!! Birthday lunch with the ENTIRE immediate fam to celebrate me, Norman, & Ice's birthdays. Mini photo shoot in the parking lot (absolutely ADORE my new camera). & spending the afternoon with the family at the park and watching the kids play on the playground was so great. i love my new blended family. we seem to mesh together wonderfully!

so that ends my amazing birthday week. it came too fast and left even faster!!!!! when i went back to work ppl were like, well what did u do? did u take a trip? No. Just spent it with my favorite people. Had all of my favorite foods (yeah def gained a lb or so but whatever). And it was seriously just pure EUPHORIA! was on a natural life high all week long. and i'm sad to see it go :(

anyway, sorry if it's so long. was gonna do some other updates but i'm kinda tired of writing for tonite. sooooo will have to blog all the other stuff later.

☮ & ♥

quick update

just wanted 2 give some quick updates.

i think i'm down about another pound. not bad considering i haven't done any activity since wednesday maybe. my kitchen scale finally came so i can actually start to measure my food instead of just guessing! kinda excited about that.

i'm sure i'm gonna gain that pound (and more) this week. It's my BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!! I have so many different happy hours & lunches & dinners this week it's BANANAS!! but birthdays only come once a year!!! And i'm looking forward to spending time with some of my favorites!!! But still even though I know i'm not going to be tracking this week, I'm still going to try to incorporate some of the changes that I've learned in the past month.

Yeah It's officially been a month since starting WW & I'd have to say that i'm sooo proud of myself!!! Down about 8ish lbs. (SN: I need 2 buy a pair of too small pants, so that I can see if i'm losing inches. Because some of my clothes were already baggy, so it's hard for me to gauge if i've actually lost anything. I don't have a measuring tape, i need 2 invest in one of those.) I've made so many small changes in my diet. Tried to start making changes in my activity. (also i think i'm ready to join a gym. Walking around the community is great, but like the past few days it rained & i didn't walk & i didn't wanna do those stupid dvds. Soooo i think i'm ready!!!! Think i'll call arnd tmrw & see if anybody is running any specials. I hope it's not too late for Gold's $20 joint)

but anyway, that's about it for now. My birthday is tuesday. So that means tomorrow i have to do my birthday reflections. This should be interesting lol

♥

no comparison

i keep trying to remind myself not to compare my w.loss journey to that of others. but it's really hard to do. on the boards i just read a woman who said she lost 20lbs in the month that she's been on WW. i've lost like 7ish. so it's hard to NOT compare....

this journey isn't about anyone else. i started it because i was unhappy with what i saw when i looked in the mirror. & i just want to be happier & healthier. and i'm so very proud of all of the small changes that i've made in the past 3 1/2 weeks. i know that one day i will truly begin to see the physical changes.

But anyway, I was rlly proud of myself yesterday. I didn't walk home from work because i wasn't wearing tennis shoes, i had these flat joints on. So as soon as i got in the house, instead of putting on my pj's and climbing into bed, i put on some tights & a hoodie. laced up the sneaks. turned the ipod on & started walking. i did an entire hour yesterday!!! that was about 6 or 7 laps around my neighborhood. & according to WW & most health websites. an hour of walking @ a nice pace is about 3miles. But i'll underestimate & just say that it was 2ish ;)I think it definitely made up for not doing anything the day before. So i'm hoping the weather is still nice after work today (i know they're calling for rain for the next few days) because i can't WAIT to get out there & do it again. (i think my knee cld use a break tho lol)

excuse me while I positive self-talk to myself real quick:
so Monique just STOP IT! Stop comparing yourself to others. your journey is your own. it is making you a stronger & wiser person. You WILL achieve each and every weight loss goal that you set for yourself, even if it takes you the rest of your life to do it. It will be done! Keep pressing forward. I love you and YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTH IT!!

*untitled ramblings*

so this blog is probably gonna be a compilation(sp) of random thoughts:

FUNNY STORY
a few days ago (don't quite remember when) my "friend" picked me up from work. a)bcuz i didn't feel like catching the bus & b)i'm always looking for a reason to see him lol. so anyway, he picks me up & we're on the way home, but first we ride past the mcdonalds bcuz he's hungry. (i resisted temptation & didn't get anything tho *pats self on back*) so as we're riding back up the street towards my house, I see the bus that I was supposed 2 be on going home. and WHO did I see get off the bus? The last guy who tried to talk to me!!!(long story about why that was doomed from the beginning). But i wasn't sure if he saw me or not. omg awkward situation AVERTED!...or so I thought. a few days AFTER that, we were @ American Legion for my Uncle Barney's repast & I saw "the girl he was living with, but that was just a friend" (*cough* bullshit *cough*) was helping to serve food. and lo & behold who was sitting about 15feet next to her...HIS ASS!! omg sooo awkward bcuz he was def watching me the entire time. glad we didn't stay in there long! But yeah i thought i'd never have 2 see him again after we went our separate ways, & just my luck i'd run into him TWICE...in ONE week! lol

W.LOSS UPDATES
i think total i've lost 6lbs.(ish) i only say "ish" bcuz i h8 my scale. i think i'll start weighin in @ meetings soon. their scale is prob a lot more reliable than mine. ppl say that they can see changes in me but um i don't see anything. altho, this morning i was lookin @ myself in the mirror (naked)...something I NEVER DO! & i was looking @ my stomach & it's starting to look a lil wrinkly! (sounds gross, but it's starting to look a little like how my brother's did after he lost all of his weight). so progress? idk.

still struggling to get my workouts in, and i think it's bcuz i really have my heart set on Curves but know that i just can't afford it right now. but i gotta hang that up. so i'm really glad the weather is about to break bcuz then i can do my walks outside. like today, i'm not really in the mood 2 go str8 home. so i think i'll catch the bus to a store that's near my house & walk home (it's about a mile). i used 2 do it all the time, so i think i'mma start doin it again.

Extras

* went shoe shopping for my brother's wedding the other day. I can't believe it's almost HERE!!!!!! I'm excited. I love weddings!

* starting to get baby fever again. (I still have my moments)

* birthday is in exactly ONE WEEK!!!! But for some reason i'm not that excited. I mean, i'm blessed that i get to see another year but i think it's bcuz i don't really have any bday plans. Well other than Outback night with 3 of my favorite ladies♥ I really wanted to go away for the weekend, but I didn't plan accordingly, so now i think it's too late. oh well. But next year...i'm def celebrating ALL MONTH LONG! Gonna be the big 2-5!!! omg...25!!!!!!! *excuse me while i DIEEEEE lol*

ok so maybe i didn't have as many random thoughts as I initially thought I did. lol just bored at work....2hours...anddddd go!

♥

letting go.....

my entire teenage & adult life (so far), I've always prayed for God to send me my mate. I wanted him to be attractive. Smart. Funny. Spiritual. Attentive. Caring & Kind. Loyal. Trustworthy. He had to be responsible. Wants kids. And he had to think I was the most beautiful girl in the world...flaws & all. & I think that finally found me. I wasn't looking for him. He just kinda bumped into me one day. & it's funny bcuz i looked back @ a blog that I wrote around Valentine's day about wanting to be in love & what kinda person I wanted and who knew that a week later...I was going to meet him.

But I think I may have messed it up & we're going to end up as "just friends". All because I constantly live in my head and I haven't learned the ability to LET GO! Honestly, I don't even know what that means to let go? My girlfriends tell me "u gotta just let go" & he even told me "Don't be afraid to let go...i'll be there to catch you". But what does that MEAN??? Does it mean that I'm supposed to let go of all of the past hurts & start fresh? (which I thought I did but maybe I didn't??) Does it mean that I'm supposed to let go of the wall that's seemingly built around my heart? What am I holding on to that I'm supposed to let go of?

I feel like if I mess things up with him...i'm probably gonna be by myself for the rest of my life...or if i'm not gonna be by myself I'm gonna end up settling. I know that sounds overdramatic but i'm convinced. This guy is amazing. I mean he's not perfect...none of us are. But I've never felt this way about anyone before & I've never had someone feel the way he does. If he's everything I've prayed for & God finally sent him to me...why am I not embracing it?? So i feel like since he's here and I haven't been able to receive him, God's gonna be like "ok Monique...guess u don't recognize a treasure when u have it...here's some trash".

I just hope he doesn't give up on me yet. I don't know how many different ways I can tell him that I care about him & want him in my life...as more than a friend. My fears with us "just being friends" is that someone else will recognize the treasure that he is, and he'll slip away from me. i think i'm about to cry again just thinking about it...so i'm ending this blog now

♥

quick w.loss update

ok so i've been doing pretty good with sticking with my points & substituting healthier options. i've even been doing AMAZING with trying new things (and if you know me, usually trying new things is like pulling teeth with me). I think i'm down about 5 or 6lbs. But i know that my w.loss will speed up if i could JUST.GET.MOVING!

i'm having such a HARD time getting my activity in! like i have my walking dvd. I have my brand new aerobics dvd. but i have NO motivation to do either. I feel like i need to join a gym or something that i'm paying money for because i HATE to waste money. so if i know i'm paying for these things...i'd use them lol.

i think my problem also is that i wait too late at night to do these things. i don't like people watching me & my mom is usually milling around the house after we get off. but that's what i think i need to do them, right when i get off from work b4 i put my pjs on & get lazy. i've tried to do it in the morning b4 work but i can barely pull myself out of the bed to get to work on time let alone wake up an hour earlier to work out.

so tomorrow. i'll do as soon as i get in the house. i'll just have to risk embarassment and have my mother watch me.

but i have to do something. i need to get my activity points in.

tis all for now.

not just me anymore

i think the hardest part about starting a new relationship after being single for a while is realizing that it's not just about me anymore. i get annoyed easily. i'm kinda selfish. & i'm used to doing what i want, when I want, without having to consult with anyone else. but once you start a relationship i guess it's not just about you anymore. there's somebody else's feelings i have to think about. not that i don't care about *him*, it's just hard for me to break old habits in less than two weeks. i feel like my bad attitude & stubbornness almost messed us up last time, & we're good from that now. but sometimes i'm just afraid that it'll happen again.

all my friends keep telling me that patience & communication are key. which i definitely agree....saw it first hand. but that works both ways. just like i have to be patient & communicate with *him*...*he* has to do the same thing with me.

but so far (to copy the words of Kris) I'm loving being "in like" ;)

peace♥