Faith & other ramblings.....

a recurring theme that I've been hearing in the past few weeks is that God can work a miracle in your life even if you don't have the faith that He can actually do it. *exhales* this is good news for someone like me. when i was in high school a preacher man actually told me that i had the spirit of "doubting" Thomas (for those not familiar Thomas was a disciple who didn't believe that Jesus had actually risen from the dead until he saw the wounds in his hands and feet)...ie. very skeptical. Right, a skeptical believer of Christ. No bueno. Anyway, it's hard for me to relax and go with the flow & trust that things will work out. i need to see in black and white (or grey) how's it gonna happen? when is it gonna happen? why is it happening this way?...u get the point. come to think of it, preacher man should've prayed that spirit out of me. but anyway, that's where I'm at right now. i know that God is the author. the driver. the pilot. the potter....whichever euphemism you're comfortable with that basically says God is in control (i jst hate that C-word when I'm not talking abt myself! lol). But it's still hard for me to completely believe that He'll do what he says. I know that "he's not a god that he should lie" but still that skeptic in me is like "trust God that he'll work this situation out...but don't count on it too much until you start seeing tangible proof". as a "new christian", and yes I say new because I played church for a long time, but this is the first time in my life that I've actually been working on establishing a relationship w/Christ, so anyway, as a NEW christian, I'm aware that Faith is something that every christian struggles with. But if you were to measure faith in dollars & cents...let's just say I'm not Oprah or Bill Gates...

 

There's a lot of things in my life that I'm trusting & believing God for. And at times i wonder if these things aren't coming to pass because i don't have enough faith. but knowing that God'll work it out whether i believe or not is pretty comforting. I'm also aware that "faith w/o works is dead" & i can say that i haven't been upholding my end of the contract...so I'm proud of myself for taking steps to make some things happen in my life (will share on a later date!) So for now my fervent prayer is always that God removes the spirit of worry & skepticism from my life and allows me to walk fully in faith & believe in his promises....

 

K let's see...what else do I have to say?

 

-I need to remember that God answers EVERY prayer...the answer just isn't always yes. NO & NOT YET are answers as well.

 

-You ever try to rekindle something w/someone (platonic or romantic) but then once you start talking to that person again you remember WHY it was that you let that friendship/relationship die? oh, just me? you're lying. anyway, to that I say....let dead stuff stay dead. Not to say that friendships/relationships can't be resuscitated buttttt for the most part...it's best to just leave it alone.

 

-*clears throat* {{LL COOL J VOICE}} when I'm alone in my room sometimes i stare at the wall and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call telling me i need a boy who's as sweet as a dove for the first time in my life i see i need love...i need LOVE ----hahahahahaha I'm jst being a fool. but naw for real. i get kinda lonely at times. maybe it's the weather. i was built to cuddle & I've lost my cuddle partner (YES I'M TALKING TO YOU SCOOBY!!) lol. i think i have a long way to go before i get to the point where I'm ready for a relationship. I mean, I've learned so much about myself in the past few months that I think will help but I'm still struggling with the self-acceptance/dependency thing...soooo i figure once i get that figured out, I'll be cool. so for now, i guess I'll attempt to casually date. which so far isn't yielding good results. got stood up AGAIN by a nice fine man that's built like a linebacker with dimples. it's all good tho, lessons learned. or perhaps to combat my loneliness if i jst take the time to focus on MYSELF (weight loss, school, volunteering, etc etc etc) i won't have TIME to think abt that "lonely" feeling...or maybe my mom will let me get a cat. naw I'm kidding. i hate cats.

 

-I'm semi-excited for the future tho, it's sad that my life is kinda JUST now starting @ almost 25...butttt sure beats regrets at 40!

 

-i think someone should donate an old navy or fashion bug card to me for Christmas...i need some freakin clothes!!!!! this saggy booty thing just ISN'T the business anymore! i think I'll head to eBay. HEYYYY don't laugh! someone mentioned they bought maternity clothes from eBay because they don't use them for that long. why can't i do the same thing with my fat clothes?!?

 

- i love my best friend. he's seriously the greatest. and i don't know how i lived my entire life without him. the past 9months have been beyond amazing, through the good and the bad. a true friendship sent from heaven and ordained by God. for real, if you don't have a true friend that loves you unconditionally & has your back regardless...you should pray for God to send you one!

 

 

 

i think that's it for now.

13 bad habits of single folk....

Found this article on Shine today. I had NOOOOO clue that I was doing some of these things (not all tho). In hindsight, you don't need anyone to tell you what to do/not to do to live your life, but hey, people are experts for a reason. Glad I saw this article when I did because I started having those negative "i'm gonna be single forever, I think my prince charming lost my address" thoughts again. Anyway, enjoy. Believe it or not, this article has def been the "Moe, get yourself together" that I needed...

13 Bad Habits to Avoid if You're Single

While some of us associate single life with loneliness, a ticking biological clock, and social pressure,it's possible to live a healthy life while single. ((Moe says: pisses me off that i'm dealing with this in my mid-20's. Doesn't this usually happen 10yrs from now!? Damn you Facebook & the fact that most of my peers are already parents, in committed relationships or married!))

But you must avoid bad "single life habits." They are all too easy to perform and repeat, and sometimes you don't even know you're doing it until you stop and think about it. ((Moe says: had no idea that i was doing some of these things. wow. what a way to put it into perspective))

These habits can bring on depression and loneliness, and they can also prevent you from meeting someone. ((Moe says: damn straight...))

Here are some behaviors to avoid when single:

Letting Other Balls Drop ((Moe says: **giggles** Balls.))
Ok, so your dating life isn't going the way you want it to. Make sure you don't let other parts of your life slide. They say "when it rains, it pours," but you can avoid that.

When you're single, you have an opportunity to work on your career, and on yourself. After that, the dating stuff usually falls in to place. Remember not to let other parts of your life trend downward just because your dating life is at a low. ((Moe says: If i put as much thought/energy into working on myself as I do with worrying abt being single/praying for a mate, I would've reached my goal weight & finished my Master's degree a couple of yrs ago! lol))

Yesterday at the end of work, I had a craving for NYC's City Bakery chocolate chip cookies (a glorious gooey mess of chocolate chips and dough that seem barely cooked). I promised myself I'd go to the gym after the cookie, but I didn't. Totally let that ball drop.

Hibernating

The easiest way to get out of a single funk is to get out and meet people. But it's so easy to hole up in your place and stay cozy. ((Moe says: GUILTY!)) Many weekends I'm confronted with the choice: go out and hang out with friends until 3AM, or veg out on my couch in my PJ bottoms, cook stir fry or soup, and watch bad movies or good horror flicks. It's hard to choose.

Commiserating with Your Bitter Single Friends

If you're constantly hanging out with bitter single friends and complaining, you may put yourself in a rut that's tough to get out of -- negative thinking keeps you down. So limit those Sex and The City angry brunch/lunches with the girls.

Being Third Wheel with Annoying Couples

I've got mixed feelings about being third wheel. Sometimes I'm motivated to date when I'm around certain couples. But some couples are so annoying, I tell myself I'll never date again after hanging out with them.

Assuming Everyone Sucks

Well, everyone doesn't suck, but it's easy to convince yourself this is true after enough bad experiences.

Looking Down

Being alone is scary, but if you keep yourself busy, you might not feel so isolated and alone. If you stop and analyze the situation (look down), lonely anxiety might set in. ((Moe says: Stay busy, you'll enjoy life & won't have time worrying about being single. Got it! *makes mental note*))

Looking Back

Looking back at old relationships and happier times should be saved for when you're ready to do so. If you're not over it, you'll dredge up sad feelings upon looking back. ((Moe says: Can't move forward if ur 2 busy looking in the rearview. Got it.))

Convincing Yourself You'll Be Single Forever

Sadly, I'm assuming I'll be single forever. Because I've accepted that fate, it's tough to get out of it and envision myself in a relationship.((Moe says: i'm too young to think like this, but i've def had this thought once or twice...a week. eek!))

Settling for an Easy Cure for Your Loneliness

"Easy" cures for loneliness are often unhealthy: staying with a bad boyfriend/girlfriend, having a one-night stand. Loneliness can't last forever, and it's part of everyone's life. Try to find healthy ways to deal with it.

Celebrating Singleness Too Much

It's OK to embrace the "single and proud of it" position, but if you get too rebellious about your singleness, you might end up swearing off dating completely. So fly your anti-dating flag at half mast.

Viewing The Wrong Art at the Wrong Time

Certain songs make me feel lonely. Then there's the dreaded romantic comedy. Depending on your mood, romantic comedies are uplifting, or they bring you down...like the time I cried at the end of Sleepless in Seattle wondering why that can't happen to me.

Getting Your Hopes Up When You Finally Meet Someone

Once you finally connect with someone, it's easy to see that person as a savior, so you get high hopes as things progress. Unfortunately, relationships are rare, and things often fizzle, or go awry. If you get your hopes too high, you'll fall harder when it doesn't work out, or you'll settle too quickly. ((Moe says: yup...been there))

Comparing

When I watch DiscoveryID, even serial killers and bad guys on Who the Bleep Did I Marry? have girlfriends. If they can get girls, how bad does that make me? This is just discouraging. And of course, I sometimes envy better looking guys, which brings me down.

Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/13-bad-habits-to-avoid-if-youre-single-2409555/

A dream deferred.....

For some reason, "mini" people like me. Perhaps I smell like peanut butter & jelly and/or candy. Or maybe they see my large tummy and automatically think "man, that looks soft. Can't wait to nose dive right into it." I can't explain it. But if you know me...like REALLY know me, you know that mini-people have always made me EXTREEEEEMLY uncomfortable! lol. Again, something I cannot explain. Takes me a while to warm up to you, and even then I only have enough patience to deal with you in small doses. (Although, I definitely have to thank my best friend & 3 of my favorite mini-people for teaching me patience in dealing with kids. I'm learning a LOT!)

Ironically, growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. Something about having a room full of mini-people hanging on to my every word. Looking to me for guidance. Knowing that I had a hand in shaping your life in some way....even if you only learned one thing from me in an entire school year. I couldn't wait to draft dreaded lesson plans, trying to figure out how to make learning fun...going into the elusive "teachers lounge"....all of that excited me to my prepubescent core! But that dream was deferred. Wanna know why? I'll tell you, even though i'm sure you're going to laugh. I was fat. I didn't wanna be a fat teacher. This is why....

Kids are CRUEL! And if I'm a teacher, I can't pop you in the mouth for "talkin out tha side of yo' neck". Even as a fat child I terrorized a fat teacher. I was in 7th grade. She was a permanent substitute in my social studies class @ Bates Middle. Her name was Ms. Simon. She had to be about 350lbs. She smelled. She wore the same thing on a 2-3day rotation. & her payless shoes were leaning so far sideways that she might as well not have been wearing any at all. Perhaps it was some misguided anger towards what could possibly be my future that made me lash out at this woman on a daily basis, but whatever it was, she got the Mackell attitude DAILY. I remember one time we pissed her off so badly that she got frustrated, threw the VCR remote control & left the classroom crying. I didn't want this to be me**

But during my 2nd field placement in my senior year @ SU I was FORCED to teach a class of juvenile delinquents twice a week. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I mean, if you have the "worst" kids in Wicomico county telling you how "you're so nice, I wish you were a teacher at our school"...man, you can conquer ANY classroom!! So who knows, perhaps one day my dreams of being a teacher will be fulfilled.

But in the meantime, I've decided to try my hand at being a school social worker. I can still touch lives in a phenomenal way.  I'll still have my student interactions, maybe run some groups and whatnot. I just want to touch lives! I want to meet a mini-person/teen who feels hopeless in their situation & something I said or did let's them know that there IS more to life. that they CAN succeed. that someone DOES care about them. I feel like I have a lot inside of me to offer the world & I'm doing a disservice to everyone around me by not sharing it.

I think i'll like being a school social worker though. Either way, it'll get my foot in the school system & then in my mid to late 30's if I decide I want to go back to school to be a teacher, I kinda already have an idea of what it's like to work in the school system. & hopefully I won't be fat, so I won't feel self conscious about standing in front of a room full of snotty nosed mini-people or smart mouthed teenagers! lol. Seriously, it's important to me, to not be a fat teacher.

I wrote all of this for two reasons. 1) to show how I've been letting my hang-ups about my weight hold me back from doing a lot of things in life that I've always wanted to do. (which is funny because most people know me as the confident fat girl who loves all of her irrespective of what anyone else things...that's a different blog for a different day). But I'm really glad that I figured this out in my 20's, in enough time to change it & still live my life. Rather than suffering silently for 40years & waking up on my 45th birthday full of shoulda,coulda,wouldas. and 2) I FINALLY (2yrs post college) have some sense of direction! So now when people ask what it is I want to do, I can stop answering them with "I have no freakin' clue"

So...a new journey begins....(who knew that starting a weight loss journey would inspire other areas of my life. Well i'm sure SOMEONE knew, I just had no idea)

thanks for reading♥


**(sn: if I could find this lady today, I'd seriously apologize to her. Perhaps buy her lunch or something. I doubt she remembers me, but I remember her clearly & wish I wasn't such a snotty 13yr old who made 6-9months of her life a living hell. I'm still embarassed about the way I treated her. I wasn't raised that way...was just trying to fit in & find my way in the world. But being a b!+@^ to Ms. Simon wasn't the answer...)