a recurring theme that I've been hearing in the past few weeks is that God can work a miracle in your life even if you don't have the faith that He can actually do it. *exhales* this is good news for someone like me. when i was in high school a preacher man actually told me that i had the spirit of "doubting" Thomas (for those not familiar Thomas was a disciple who didn't believe that Jesus had actually risen from the dead until he saw the wounds in his hands and feet)...ie. very skeptical. Right, a skeptical believer of Christ. No bueno. Anyway, it's hard for me to relax and go with the flow & trust that things will work out. i need to see in black and white (or grey) how's it gonna happen? when is it gonna happen? why is it happening this way?...u get the point. come to think of it, preacher man should've prayed that spirit out of me. but anyway, that's where I'm at right now. i know that God is the author. the driver. the pilot. the potter....whichever euphemism you're comfortable with that basically says God is in control (i jst hate that C-word when I'm not talking abt myself! lol). But it's still hard for me to completely believe that He'll do what he says. I know that "he's not a god that he should lie" but still that skeptic in me is like "trust God that he'll work this situation out...but don't count on it too much until you start seeing tangible proof". as a "new christian", and yes I say new because I played church for a long time, but this is the first time in my life that I've actually been working on establishing a relationship w/Christ, so anyway, as a NEW christian, I'm aware that Faith is something that every christian struggles with. But if you were to measure faith in dollars & cents...let's just say I'm not Oprah or Bill Gates...
There's a lot of things in my life that I'm trusting & believing God for. And at times i wonder if these things aren't coming to pass because i don't have enough faith. but knowing that God'll work it out whether i believe or not is pretty comforting. I'm also aware that "faith w/o works is dead" & i can say that i haven't been upholding my end of the contract...so I'm proud of myself for taking steps to make some things happen in my life (will share on a later date!) So for now my fervent prayer is always that God removes the spirit of worry & skepticism from my life and allows me to walk fully in faith & believe in his promises....
K let's see...what else do I have to say?
-I need to remember that God answers EVERY prayer...the answer just isn't always yes. NO & NOT YET are answers as well.
-You ever try to rekindle something w/someone (platonic or romantic) but then once you start talking to that person again you remember WHY it was that you let that friendship/relationship die? oh, just me? you're lying. anyway, to that I say....let dead stuff stay dead. Not to say that friendships/relationships can't be resuscitated buttttt for the most part...it's best to just leave it alone.
-*clears throat* {{LL COOL J VOICE}} when I'm alone in my room sometimes i stare at the wall and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call telling me i need a boy who's as sweet as a dove for the first time in my life i see i need love...i need LOVE ----hahahahahaha I'm jst being a fool. but naw for real. i get kinda lonely at times. maybe it's the weather. i was built to cuddle & I've lost my cuddle partner (YES I'M TALKING TO YOU SCOOBY!!) lol. i think i have a long way to go before i get to the point where I'm ready for a relationship. I mean, I've learned so much about myself in the past few months that I think will help but I'm still struggling with the self-acceptance/dependency thing...soooo i figure once i get that figured out, I'll be cool. so for now, i guess I'll attempt to casually date. which so far isn't yielding good results. got stood up AGAIN by a nice fine man that's built like a linebacker with dimples. it's all good tho, lessons learned. or perhaps to combat my loneliness if i jst take the time to focus on MYSELF (weight loss, school, volunteering, etc etc etc) i won't have TIME to think abt that "lonely" feeling...or maybe my mom will let me get a cat. naw I'm kidding. i hate cats.
-I'm semi-excited for the future tho, it's sad that my life is kinda JUST now starting @ almost 25...butttt sure beats regrets at 40!
-i think someone should donate an old navy or fashion bug card to me for Christmas...i need some freakin clothes!!!!! this saggy booty thing just ISN'T the business anymore! i think I'll head to eBay. HEYYYY don't laugh! someone mentioned they bought maternity clothes from eBay because they don't use them for that long. why can't i do the same thing with my fat clothes?!?
- i love my best friend. he's seriously the greatest. and i don't know how i lived my entire life without him. the past 9months have been beyond amazing, through the good and the bad. a true friendship sent from heaven and ordained by God. for real, if you don't have a true friend that loves you unconditionally & has your back regardless...you should pray for God to send you one!
i think that's it for now.
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