A dream deferred.....

For some reason, "mini" people like me. Perhaps I smell like peanut butter & jelly and/or candy. Or maybe they see my large tummy and automatically think "man, that looks soft. Can't wait to nose dive right into it." I can't explain it. But if you know me...like REALLY know me, you know that mini-people have always made me EXTREEEEEMLY uncomfortable! lol. Again, something I cannot explain. Takes me a while to warm up to you, and even then I only have enough patience to deal with you in small doses. (Although, I definitely have to thank my best friend & 3 of my favorite mini-people for teaching me patience in dealing with kids. I'm learning a LOT!)

Ironically, growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. Something about having a room full of mini-people hanging on to my every word. Looking to me for guidance. Knowing that I had a hand in shaping your life in some way....even if you only learned one thing from me in an entire school year. I couldn't wait to draft dreaded lesson plans, trying to figure out how to make learning fun...going into the elusive "teachers lounge"....all of that excited me to my prepubescent core! But that dream was deferred. Wanna know why? I'll tell you, even though i'm sure you're going to laugh. I was fat. I didn't wanna be a fat teacher. This is why....

Kids are CRUEL! And if I'm a teacher, I can't pop you in the mouth for "talkin out tha side of yo' neck". Even as a fat child I terrorized a fat teacher. I was in 7th grade. She was a permanent substitute in my social studies class @ Bates Middle. Her name was Ms. Simon. She had to be about 350lbs. She smelled. She wore the same thing on a 2-3day rotation. & her payless shoes were leaning so far sideways that she might as well not have been wearing any at all. Perhaps it was some misguided anger towards what could possibly be my future that made me lash out at this woman on a daily basis, but whatever it was, she got the Mackell attitude DAILY. I remember one time we pissed her off so badly that she got frustrated, threw the VCR remote control & left the classroom crying. I didn't want this to be me**

But during my 2nd field placement in my senior year @ SU I was FORCED to teach a class of juvenile delinquents twice a week. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. I mean, if you have the "worst" kids in Wicomico county telling you how "you're so nice, I wish you were a teacher at our school"...man, you can conquer ANY classroom!! So who knows, perhaps one day my dreams of being a teacher will be fulfilled.

But in the meantime, I've decided to try my hand at being a school social worker. I can still touch lives in a phenomenal way.  I'll still have my student interactions, maybe run some groups and whatnot. I just want to touch lives! I want to meet a mini-person/teen who feels hopeless in their situation & something I said or did let's them know that there IS more to life. that they CAN succeed. that someone DOES care about them. I feel like I have a lot inside of me to offer the world & I'm doing a disservice to everyone around me by not sharing it.

I think i'll like being a school social worker though. Either way, it'll get my foot in the school system & then in my mid to late 30's if I decide I want to go back to school to be a teacher, I kinda already have an idea of what it's like to work in the school system. & hopefully I won't be fat, so I won't feel self conscious about standing in front of a room full of snotty nosed mini-people or smart mouthed teenagers! lol. Seriously, it's important to me, to not be a fat teacher.

I wrote all of this for two reasons. 1) to show how I've been letting my hang-ups about my weight hold me back from doing a lot of things in life that I've always wanted to do. (which is funny because most people know me as the confident fat girl who loves all of her irrespective of what anyone else things...that's a different blog for a different day). But I'm really glad that I figured this out in my 20's, in enough time to change it & still live my life. Rather than suffering silently for 40years & waking up on my 45th birthday full of shoulda,coulda,wouldas. and 2) I FINALLY (2yrs post college) have some sense of direction! So now when people ask what it is I want to do, I can stop answering them with "I have no freakin' clue"

So...a new journey begins....(who knew that starting a weight loss journey would inspire other areas of my life. Well i'm sure SOMEONE knew, I just had no idea)

thanks for reading♥


**(sn: if I could find this lady today, I'd seriously apologize to her. Perhaps buy her lunch or something. I doubt she remembers me, but I remember her clearly & wish I wasn't such a snotty 13yr old who made 6-9months of her life a living hell. I'm still embarassed about the way I treated her. I wasn't raised that way...was just trying to fit in & find my way in the world. But being a b!+@^ to Ms. Simon wasn't the answer...)