Pity Party...table for one....

So the past 30days. Life punched me in my face, pulled my ponytails, called me fat and then stole my lunch money. Not for real obviously but it's been a rough month. And if you know me, then you know my coping skills are pretty non-existent at times. So i went back to what's comfortable....comfort eating & self-imposed isolation.(I know, like i said, my coping skills need work!) But I usually only do that momentarily though until I can gather my thoughts. This time tho sadly, it just so happened to last a month. But for the sake of my bank account, waistline, & sanity I unfortunately must end my pity party. It was great while it lasted but umm yeah the show must go on.

So now that I've had time to adjust & regain my footing. Guess I'm ready to get back at this life thing. Research some things....work toward some goals....try to make some dreams happen. Ya know, the usual. I put as a FB status a while back that life changes whether ur ready or not....all u can do is put on your seatbelt & enjoy the ride. *blah*

Anywho, I did learn a few things in the midst of my party tho....I shall share.

* Don't look for others to be happy for you...learn how to be your own cheerleader..... You may be super excited about a brand new purse that you bought. I mean, you might be SOOO proud of this purse that you saved & spent your hard earned money to buy & you just think it's the best purse ever. But then someone will see your purse and be like "oh, this is the purse that you were talking about. It's aight I guess". Do NOT let someone's poor reaction to something you are HAPPY about & PROUD of, to change the way you feel about it. Which leads me to my next lesson I learned....

*"Everybody has an opinion. doesn't mean everyone's is worth listening to..." Quote courtesy of Demetria "Belle" Lucas (click on the link to read her blog.) Guess it's something that I REALLY need to learn. My entire life I've struggled with being accepted by people, only doing things I think people will approve of, & conversely, being afraid to do stuff because i'm AFRAID of what people will say. But at the end of the day...that's not really living my life if I allow the opinions (because that's just what it is, it's not rule, law, or fact, but jst an opinion) of others to outweigh the opinion of the one who matters most....myself! (Besides God of course). I'll get there one day...knowing is half the battle. Doing is the other half....sooo like I said...I'm getting there :)

* In times of "crisis"...you def learn who you can count on...Ok, now this one I knew pre-pity party....It just needed reiteration.

* I don't think about ALL the consequences of my actions before I do them... not cool at all. I mean, I consider consequences...but just not all of them. Paying for quite a few of my actions these days. But hey, it is what it is. Learning the lesson & moving forward....nothing else to do.

There are a few more things I learned, but i'm not quite ready to share yet because then it'd involve a bit of self-disclosure and there are some things i'm not quite ready to share with the blogosphere (soon tho, I promise). Anyway, back on the horse...back to life....excited about some things...nervous about some others. New chapters beginning....some quite possibly ending.....LIFE happening!

But it's gonna be alright :)

2011's New Year's Resolutions for Ladies

I’m sure most of you checked out the good doctor’s 2011 Brother’s New Year’s Resolutions. He gave the men some great things to keep in mind this year. But ladies, however much we don’t like to admit it, you know we have some work to do ourselves, so let’s not get left in the dust.

Stop thinking that single is a death sentence.
It’s nice to be coupled up, but it’s not worth sacrificing your integrity or pride over. Desperation to have a man so that you don’t have to be alone leads to putting up with all kinds of unnecessary bullsh!t. Which leaves you bitter and wary, which leads to you taking out your issues on the next man that comes along. Which leads to that man becoming bitter and disgruntled and taking his sh!t out on the next woman he gets with. See how your fear of being single affects everyone? Read this and then take some time to be by yourself and learn how to be fully self-sufficient. Only once you master singlehood are you really ready to be part of a couple.

Humble thyself
I’m tired of hearing ladies talking about what they would never do for a man. That is not the right attitude to have when you’re in a relationship or trying to get into one. I’m the last one to advocate lying down and letting a man drive over you, but you need to have some flexibility. You need to recognize that sometimes you will have to be the fall guy and sometimes you will have to not get what you want, or do something you thought you’d never do for the sake of your relationship. Ask yourself if you’d rather be right or have a happy home and if you choose a happy home, suck it up and be the first one to apologize once in a while. Would you rather be single or swallow some seeds every now and then?

Stop pandering
I understand that it’s hard for the so-called good woman out there. Men say they want a woman who is educated and self-sufficient and classy and whatnot but then they give all their attention to the simple b!tches in tight little dresses with no panties while you’re home alone with nothing but the rabbit to keep you company. I get it. It sucks. But this blatant ingratiation has got to stop. You can’t walk around telling men what you think they want to hear just to get them to like you. Not everyone is for everybody. Just be someone who is worthy of attention and the right attention will come to you.

Worry less about his account balance and more about your own
I know I know – how a man handles money is a good indicator of his sense of responsibility and all that. But let’s be honest ladies, for a lot of you the real reason you want a man who is financially healthy is because you either want him to support you, or you want to be dripping in diamonds and Chanel without coming out of your pocket. And while I would never fault any woman who covets such things, trust me when I tell you they’re a lot more satisfying when you pay for them yourself. And even better, if you break up he can’t ask for them back.

Learn how to dress appropriately
I’m not talking about mampy girls stuffing themselves into clothing so tight I can see their name and address. And I’m not really even talking about girls wearing short, tight and scandalous outfits in a pathetic and desperate attempt to garner attention from a man who probably isn’t even worthy of taking out your garbage. Although if you’re doing either of those things you need to cease and desist immediately. No I’m talking about the little things, the subtle things that distinguish between a live (wo)man and a fresh(wo)man.

Ladies I don’t want to see you in the club in the middle of the winter in short skirts, bare legs, and open toes (nor do I want to see you begging the bouncer for line bypass because you left your coat in the car. If you can’t afford coat check you need to stay the f*ck home). That’s not hot. You look like your style game is so weak that you can only look good in the summer time. I have two words for you: weather appropriate. Get you a well-cut pantsuit and wear it with no shirt underneath and some hawt ankle boots and there you go. Oh and also? About that Gucci Marrakech bag? I know you saved up for months to buy that. I know you’re proud of yourself. I’m proud of you too. But that is not a go-anywhere bag, you feel me? If it’s canvas and/or bigger than a breadbox it is for function, not style. So don’t let me see you in the club trying to find a place to put it down while you dance. Get a clutch. Or a wristlet. Anything that doesn’t say “I spent my rent money on this bag and I am going to take it everywhere I go so help me God”.

Embrace sisterhood
I don’t want to hear any more about how you can’t get along with women. Learn how. I’m the first to admit that men bring a lot of wonderful things to the table that women do not, but you need some balance. There’s something special that goes on when women come together in friendship and if you miss out on that you’re really missing something. And yes I know some women can be b!tchy and I’m sure you’re so gorgeous that girls hate on you for no reason and won’t let you play with their boyfriends but you know what? Not all women are like that. So find some who are not going to compete with you or be jealous of you. And while you’re at it, take a moment to consider whether the women you can’t get along with are actually jealous of you or if by chance you might be a bit of an a$$hole.

Don’t be the jackpot
When we’re in a relationship, we want our man to feel like he won the jackpot. That’s a good thing. But there’s a difference between making a man feel like he hit the jackpot and actually being the jackpot. Think about it – part of the thrill of winning at the slots is that you put a small amount of money in a hole and you get a financial reward. When you translate that into relationships, it’s putting a small amount of effort in and getting a large reward in return. So if your man is only putting a nickel in your slot, don’t give him $1,000 in return. Give him a nickel. Save your big payouts for the men who are investing significant amounts of time, effort, and energy into you.

Learn the right way to settle
Settling has a bad reputation, but there is a time and a place to do it. If you are at an age at which you believe you’re ready to settle down and still painfully single, you might want to consider settling. The good kind of settling that is. Allowing yourself to be the jump-off of a man you really want to wife is a move only I can pull off bad settling. But reconsidering some of your must-have qualities in a mate and accepting an invitation from a man who doesn’t meet all 65 of your key characteristics is good settling. Sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want. Some of your deal breakers are things that can be resolved with a little time and patience and a lot of your must-haves are actually just nice-to-haves. And let me tell you right now – taller than you is not a must-have.

Show some vulnerability
Being an independent woman is a beautiful thing. Working hard to get to the point where you don’t have to rely on anyone for anything is something you should be proud of. But also recognize the fact that humans were meant to be multi-faceted. Being the tough, no-nonsense taskmaster may have gotten you where you wanted to be professionally, but it isn’t going to do you any favours in your personal life if you don’t learn to balance it with some softness. Learn how to admit that you’re wrong. Don’t act angry when someone hurts your feelings, learn how to say “you hurt my feelings”. Acknowledge that you can’t do everything. Be the first one to say “I miss you”. And understand that you’re not weakening yourself by doing these things; it takes much more strength to be vulnerable than one might imagine.
Like I said ladies, I know we don’t like to admit that we need to work on ourselves, but it’s time we took our heads out of our asses and got to work. We only get one life to live and there’s no point in half stepping our way through it.

 

Source: http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/01/21/2011-new-years-resolutions-for-ladies/

10 Friendship Mistakes You Might Be Making.....

Friendships are an invaluable type of support system that will help move you into your destiny. They’ll be your cheering squad yelling, “You can do it!” Friends will cheer you on no matter what and will reinforce your strengths and talents especially when you’re not completely convinced of them yourself.

Are you that type of friend? Or are you the one that prevents your friends from being the best that they can be? Being a good friend – as with any relationship – takes work. It takes a concerted effort to make a friendship better.

 

The list below includes some of the top 10 friendship mistakes people make based on my own observations, spending exorbitant amounts of time listening to others vent and through my own personal friendship inadequacies all of which became recurring themes in each scenario. So without further ado, the LIST!

 

1. You’re not a good listener.

You have no problem reaching out to tell your friends about all your problems and putting all your weight on them but when the tables are turned, the conversation’s cut short, someone’s at the door, you’re on your way out, the dog has to pee, put your excuse here: __________________ but either way, you just don’t have time. Listening is truly a skill and as the old saying goes, “…that’s why God gave us one mouth and two ears.”

 

2. You’re overly critical and judgmental.

Your friends come to you and they’re all excited to tell you about something awesome that just happened to them that day, or want to tell you about the new guy or gal they just met or about some new invention they just came up with that will increase the world’s efficiency by 100% and you immediately knock them down. You tell them it won’t work, they can find someone better, there’s already something better, and so on and so forth. And that’s always the case. There’s a fine line between being a realist and being a crab. Don’t be a crab.

 

3. You don’t call enough.

With the advent of Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Digg, Stumble Upon…read me, find me, search me pleeeease and the numerous other social media sites out there, this is what your friendship has been converted to. What happened to that archaic method of simply picking up the phone and dialing those 10 little numbers? Some people still long for that.

 

4. You harbor jealously.

At some point or another, the green – eyed monster has reared its ugly head. You can’t be happy for them to say your life. Your friends seem to be the most engaging, most attractive, most intelligent and most accomplished and with everything going for them, your happiness has turned to sourness.

 

5. You’re not genuinely happy for your friends’ accomplishments.

Your friend just completed a sabbatical to the Netherlands, just finished their second PhD and is publishing a new book. You say you’re happy for them but, you’re secretly seething inside. Look at what you haven’t accomplished for yourself and make the change there.

 

6. You’re not encouraging.

I once heard an interesting quote: “Man doesn’t live by bread alone. Sometimes we need a little buttering.” Encouragement! That’s what your friends need! With all the daily struggles and uphill battles that life hits us with, sometimes your friends need a shoulder to lean on. Be that shoulder.

 

7. You allow your friendship to remain one-sided.

Your friend calls you all the time, your friend pays for the excursions all the time, your friend picks you up all the time, your friend listens to your problems all the time, your friend encourages you all the time, need I say more?

 

8. You’re not aware of your own friendship limitations and if you are, you don’t work to improve on them.

When I asked a friend of mine, what did they see as their ultimate friendship fault they said, “Uhhhh…nothing.” Coooome oooooon! No friendship is perfect. As we, as individuals change and grow, so does our friendships. There’s always room for improvement but you have to figure out what those improvements are.

 

9. You don’t communicate your friendship needs.

If you like to be called everyday or not, if you want to hang out every weekend or not, it is YOUR responsibility to articulate those needs to your friend. People have different friendship styles and a friendship trait that works for one may not work for the other. You have to let them know what works for you!

 

10. You lie.

This one would seem like a no – brainer but you do it all the time. You’re not honest with your friends. You invent stories to impress; you create a fantasy world with you as the main character with the hope of…people liking you more? Your web of deceit you’ve created will soon catch up to you so why not just let your friends see the real you?

The Big Picture: 15 Powerful Thoughts

Written By: Ashley Ambirge

 

If someone were to ask you to share your most important life lessons, messages or quotes what would top your list?

1. True living is more than just keeping your heart beating and a roof over your head. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that is “just how life goes.” There’s way more possibilities, and, yes, IT IS WORTH GOING AFTER. Be daring.

2. Stop blowing yourself off; we get so upset when others blow off our ideas and desires, but we have no problem doing it to ourselves. Take your ideas, feelings, wants, wishes, yearns & urges seriously–those are your only true guide. Other people have no idea what’s best for you, so stop seeking their validation. Do what you need to do for you. Be confident.

3. Stop doing everything by the book. It’s time to start drafting your own revised edition. Rules don’t always exist in the name of the greatest good; more often than not, they exist because someone wants to establish or maintain power. And that’s just not a good enough reason. Be inquisitive.

4. Life is a series of choices. You choose every single direction that your life takes. Use it to your advantage. Be deliberate.

5. There will be people out there who won’t support what you’re doing. Who cares. Trust yourself more, trust others less. That includes significant others. Be brave.

6. Figure out what you value, and make the necessary changes to align your life with those values. If you value time more than money, stop working 60 hour work weeks. The only way you’ll get more time, is by doing less. It’s simple math. Be introspective.

7. Speaking of money, IT ISN’T AS IMPORTANT AS WE’RE TAUGHT TO THINK IT IS. Money comes, and money goes, and it provides little value itself until you actually exchange it for something that is valuable to you. So, ask yourself that question. What do you value? That’s where the majority of the money you spend should be going. Be prudent.

8. Having good intentions doesn’t yield results. Get off your ass and make it happen. Be zealous.


9. Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously. In the scheme of things, if you’re going to be late to work, it doesn’t really matter. If you don’t get an A, it doesn’t really matter. If you’re proven wrong about something, it doesn’t really matter. If your house isn’t as nice as your best friend’s, it doesn’t really matter. Relax, and enjoy the ride. Think big picture, not details. Will this matter in 100 years? Be panoramic.

10. The world is not judging you as much as you think they are. Most people are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice what you’re doing. Drop the pride and have a little fun. Be lighthearted.
11. Perhaps one of the greatest goals we can seek for ourselves is exhilaration. Are you exhilarated by your life? Be stimulated.

12. When making decisions, always ask what’s more important. Thinking about canceling on an invitation to a friend’s baby shower or birthday party because you have too much work to do? Get your head out of your ass. Your friend is more important; work can always be done later. Nothing is that urgent. Relationships, however, are your foundation and you’d be lost without other human connections, so value them. And show it. Be thoughtful.

13. You don’t just need to love yourself; you need to respect yourself. You’ll garner that respect by accomplishing things you’ve set out to do. Be relentless.

14. Being content with your life and being proud to call it yours are two different things. Strive for the latter. Be courageous.

15. Last but not least, wine should be drank with meals. Preferably Argentinian Malbec. It’s freaking delicious. Be delighted.