sorry i've been slacking.....

Apologies for the lack of updates....been trying to figure some things out in my life & it's made it difficult to write. So for the few ppl who actually read this thing...I guess these are my updates?

The Journey:
I officially weigh 299lbs! (you should see the huge paragraph that I just deleted that was downplaying my loss but i erased it) Ummm i'm kicking butt! I've lost 47lbs since February (could it be better, possibly, but is it a great accomplishment HECK YES!) First time that i've been in the 200's since I was @ least 17. & i'm definitely wearing clothes sizes that I haven't seen in forever! I honestly can't tell u the last time i could fit into a 26 pant (which I was informed by my boss are now too baggy so i'm sure i'm in @ least a 22/24 now). & I bought a coat maybe 2yrs ago...it was a 4x. i jst bought a coat last week that was a 2x! WOW. Even with buying smaller clothes & ppl telling me daily how "good" I look....I still don't see it tho lol. (mental distortion)

Anyway, 30% of my goal met so far. Not too shabby if I say so myself....do i still sometimes wish i had the strength to go to the doctors & pray for them to give me lapband/gastric bypass so that I can reach my goal quicker? ALMOST EVERY DAY!!!! But i have to try this my way first...it's teaching me a lot. Self control. Self Sacrifice. Patience. Delayed gratification....like i mentioned in previous blogs...things that I've never been too good with. So that's definitely a plus on the journey. oh & I wanted to reach 50lbs lost by 12/12/10...so i'm actually AHEAD of where I thought I was gonna be...sooo the journey continues (thanks for the support all).

School:
still not sure when/if I wanna go back. But I have to do something, so I think i'll sign up for spring semester part time & decide if social work is what I wanna do. If not...i'll go back to the drawing board but at least I would have been doing SOMETHING in the meantime. & they'll put my student loans on hold for a little too so that's a MAJOR plus! Still thinking that I may end up in the school system somehow. Everyone has always told me how i'd be a great teacher & kids love me for some reason. Starting to realize it now as I spend more time with my best friend & his kids. I actually enjoy helping them with their homework & things like that. So who knows...but your 20's are supposed to be a time of exploration right? i'm halfway thru them (almost) & haven't explored...so i gotta get on the ball!

Personal Goals:
Have a couple of other little personal goals that i don't wanna share. But just know, making progress on them as well. :)

Spiritually:
Friday night...I thought I was gonna die. I've been going through a lot of emotions & thoughts lately & there was a conversation that was had that really put a lot of things into perspective & i felt like it was too much to handle. It was about 3:30am and all i could do was cry. I cried out to God like I hadn't in a long time. My chest was hurting & I was just praying for God to take me. I wanted the pain to stop. the hurt. frustrations. anger. insecurities. it was too much to think about. i didn't wanna deal with it. I just wanted to die. Death is easier than to confront issues. I was actually afraid to go to sleep bcuz i didn't know if God was gonna answer my prayer that nite. Obviously, he didn't. I woke up yesterday, went to see my friend in the hospital (welcome to the world baby Maci♥). & spent the rest of the afternoon/evening in thought. Something had to give. I never wanted to get to a place where I was PRAYING to die! WTHeck!? I knew what I had to do....God was calling me back. He's been calling for a while but I still was attempting to ignore it. But that nite that I had was a wake up call. I needed him. I've been searching for something to fill a void for a long time & i know where I belong.

So I went to church this am. (of my own free will lol). I went a couple of weeks ago to a diff church, but wasn't rlly open, so I didn't really get much out of it. But today, I woke up with a spirit of expectation. God jst HAD to work something out. It was a matter of life & death. He just HAD TO! I received what it was I was looking for. I found a small amount of peace today, for the first time in a while. At the end of the service, the pastor was opening the altar for ppl to accept Christ or come back home. I couldn't move. I knew that I needed to go up there, but there was still something holding me back. But then my cousin & aunt looked @ me & asked if I was alright & suddently whatever was sitting in my lap keeping me from walking those few feet to the front of the room were lifted. & I came back home....

I know that there's a lot that God has to still work out in me. But i'm not running anymore. I've gone back home. & my walk to rebuild my relationship with Christ as well as establish myself in a new church home, begins/continues...

Love & Relationships:
In the words of my BFF (in my head) India Arie, "it ain't happening the way I want it". But hey, everything in God's time. & maybe right now isn't the time to try to get into a relationship. I'm a broken person. & being with someone won't make me whole. Until I can absolutely with 1000% certainty look in the mirror & know that I love the person looking back at me. & I know how to make MYSELF happy....a relationship with someone else will never work. So for now, I need to take comfort in the love of my family & friends. My God. My goals. And just know that I'm not as alone as I feel.

Special shout out to my best friend....he knows how amazing he is. & I thank God for having him in my life.

....this is it for now. I'm tired of writing. & i'm hungry. lol. Later folks!