not good enough

I really need to be better about updating this thing more lol....gonna work on that

y'know insecurity is so debilitating. Whenever i'm faced with a new social situation it takes me DAYS to mentally prepare myself. This is why I hate being spontaneous. It doesn't leave me enough time to get my head ready. For example, I was invited to hang out with a few amazing ladies today. My mouth said yes. And we tweet & FB all day everyday and i seriously love these girls! But i didn't have enough time to prepare myself & I had a mini anxiety attack and had to cancel. I HATE IT! And i know ppl are probably wondering how since i'm like a super social person....well i usually have enough time to prepare. If not...I flake

I can't really explain it. I think my insecurities date back to being the fat kid & having to deal with that. [ppl are cruel] Also years of abandonment by people who were everything to me, as well as a couple of 'abusive' relationships. I just always feel like i'm not good enough. My clothes, my conversational skills...nothing about me is good enough to hang out with "the cool kids". I mean, what about me could POSSIBLY make people wanna hang out with me? Its what i think on a daily basis. People always tell me that I have a great personality and others love to be around me...but is it because i'm expected to entertain people all the time? Is that my identity? Am i defined by what I can do for others?

A good friend told me that things won't change for me [social anxiety or anything else] until I become TOTALLY ACCEPTING of me...the whole package...everything that makes Moe...Moe. But how do you completely accept yourself? Flaws & all? it's tough. I guess the first step to making changes is to acknowledge that there is a problem.

So guess I gotta start making changes to ensure that I don't become a recluse. One step at a time. And even though I tried to ignore it for 23years...the first step is to physically free myself. Journey #1:Weight Loss.......