not good enough

I really need to be better about updating this thing more lol....gonna work on that

y'know insecurity is so debilitating. Whenever i'm faced with a new social situation it takes me DAYS to mentally prepare myself. This is why I hate being spontaneous. It doesn't leave me enough time to get my head ready. For example, I was invited to hang out with a few amazing ladies today. My mouth said yes. And we tweet & FB all day everyday and i seriously love these girls! But i didn't have enough time to prepare myself & I had a mini anxiety attack and had to cancel. I HATE IT! And i know ppl are probably wondering how since i'm like a super social person....well i usually have enough time to prepare. If not...I flake

I can't really explain it. I think my insecurities date back to being the fat kid & having to deal with that. [ppl are cruel] Also years of abandonment by people who were everything to me, as well as a couple of 'abusive' relationships. I just always feel like i'm not good enough. My clothes, my conversational skills...nothing about me is good enough to hang out with "the cool kids". I mean, what about me could POSSIBLY make people wanna hang out with me? Its what i think on a daily basis. People always tell me that I have a great personality and others love to be around me...but is it because i'm expected to entertain people all the time? Is that my identity? Am i defined by what I can do for others?

A good friend told me that things won't change for me [social anxiety or anything else] until I become TOTALLY ACCEPTING of me...the whole package...everything that makes Moe...Moe. But how do you completely accept yourself? Flaws & all? it's tough. I guess the first step to making changes is to acknowledge that there is a problem.

So guess I gotta start making changes to ensure that I don't become a recluse. One step at a time. And even though I tried to ignore it for 23years...the first step is to physically free myself. Journey #1:Weight Loss.......

inspiration from BG :)

TAKEN FROM "UNSTABLE IS THE DOUBLE MINDED MAN" READ @ UR LEISURE MY DEAR

Let Him Live

Sometimes in life we question the forbidden, reject the encouraged, and ignore the obvious.
We confuse our natural curiosity with learned persistence therefore disrespecting the plan set by a higher being.
We forget about the well nourished basket we are placed in causing us to step outside of the boundary in which we are kept safe.
We blindly attempt to exist in the world alone when our father wishes for us to embrace our flaws, grip his hand, and allow him to be the friend in which we confide, the dog in which we trust, and the money that we cherish with such pride.
We are to let him dwell inside and around.
We have to let go of our life and let him live….


Background: I wrote this poem in high school. You gotta let God control your life... stop trying to be in control.

~*~*~*~

Thanx in Advance


God I need your help with this situation
I’ve lost my concentration
My heart needs rehabilitation
My mind needs revelation
My soul seeks an illustration
A demonstration
Of
Hope and
Determination
Change the station
A new location
A mental vacation
A releasing sensation
A joyous celebration
I call in desperation
To reach a new destination
I do not ask of an explanation
Just a little bit of inspiration
And a situation levitation
Some re-routed navigation
I would really just like new motivation
That will lead me to some relaxation
A spiritual transformation
In advance, I show
My appreciation
For your help with this situation
Although I’ve lost my concentration
And my heart needs rehabilitation
And my mind needs revelation
And my soul seeks illustration
… I await the termination.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009 ~ 11:16 pm


~*~*~

Stepping Out

Now on the verge
Of faith and defeat
To step out on faith
I cannot be beat
With GOD by my side
And JESUS behind me
I can do anything
Through those who love me
Who strengthen
And hold
When rough
When cold
To the devil, my soul
Will not be sold
For my faith is strong
Even when I do wrong
Great is thy faithfulness
My heart sings the song
When time is up
And judgment is here I will look to the clouds
And wait for HIM to appear
No doubt in my mind
For I have been kind
I lived my life
Empty of strife
Ready to walk
Thru the gates
Because I knew when to
Step out on faith


High School ~ If God be for me, who can be against me??


In God We Trust

We whine and question the happenings of the present wondering why he chose us to victimize...why we have been the topic of destruction once again... Read More…why we have been chosen to fail or disrupt a third time around…we conclude a reasoning that fits like a puzzle into our liking…but we forget who really determines our fate and successes… we figure this and guess that…but we lack...the facts…only the visible in sight…never the invisible in eye's view…we excuse our sins with justifications that effectively transform our bad into two…we do what we do without realizing that he too participates in our notions…we answer questions with answers that are not of our world…HE creates the walls and mazes that we struggle to crawl through daily…HE develops the situations and tribulations that we find unbearable to conquer…HE justifies his mentality with a label…This is all he needs…It is not our line of duty to fix our mistakes if our accidents are purposely placed in our hands to teach us what will probably save us…Certain things happen for certain reasons…and not for reasons that we consider…certain things happen for certain reasons that we will never be permitted to understand because HE is above what we think we control…Our life is to be lived obediently…not curious…and skeptical…but accepting and trusting of HE

Background: Trust in God to plan our paths. We continue to attempt to form our own answers and logic, but in the end, it is not up to us. Everything happens for a reason and should give up on trying to alter and delay his ultimate intentions.