tangible growth

I'm not the person that I was three years ago, two years ago, one year ago, or even yesterday. While I love looking back at old blogs and seeing the tangible growth, I'm thinking they'll have to be deleted (or at least copied and pasted to somewhere else) so that I can go forward with the person that I am now. I guess this is my disclaimer to anyone who discovers my blog as of today and decides to go back and look at old posts...Monique is DEFINITELY not the same person anymore. and for that, I give God praise.♥

a hug and a turkey sandwich

Leaving work on Friday, I was still completely torn up about my encounter with the homeless man (who I'll now refer to as HM since I don't know his name). While leaving I noticed a gentleman and a lady talking to him (the man was talking) and HM was just bawling. Keep in mind that he's a big man, so to see him reduced to tears like that was even sadder than when I prayed with him. The strange man was talking and comforting HM. I said a prayer and went home. The next day I gathered some snack packs, crackers, juice, water, and a few other treats and put in a huge bag and came back to work to see if I could find him. He wasn't around. I was supposed to go back and see if he was there later in the day but something happened and I didn't get a chance. He was on my mind all weekend long though. The weather was chillier and I was just praying that he was safe, warm, and hopefully fed. Three more days passed and I still hadn't seen him. I was hoping this meant that someone helped him get some shelter (I tried to ignore the dark thoughts in my mind that something could have possibly happened to him).

Anyway, today I saw him as I was walking into work! The funny thing is, I had been carrying this same bag of food and snacks around with me since Saturday, hoping that I'd run into him. Today I decided to just leave it in my car and of course I run into him. lol. So on my lunch break I decided to run back home and pick up a shirt, a pair of shoes, and a jacket that my brother wasn't wearing anymore. I made him a turkey sandwich, grabbed the snacks, and then headed back out praying that he was on the bench.

He was there!! I walked up next to him and told him that I had been looking for him on Saturday but couldn't find him. Also that I had some snacks that I wanted to give and that I made a sandwich for him to have today. Plus there were some clothes in the bag and hopefully they fit. He had the BIGGEST grin on his face the whole time that we were talking and just clutched that bag of snacks so tightly. His entire aura was different from the last time that I saw him. He looked at me and said "Girl, can I go with you?". We both laughed, but little does he know...I wish I could. Then I told him that I worked in the building and though I didn't have much now, but that I was always thinking about him and praying for him and would try to help out more if I can. Randomly, he complimented me on my voice. He said "you have such a nice voice. You're so precious. Can I please give you a hug? I know I'm..." and I cut him off. I'm assuming that he was about to make apologies for his appearance/smell and convince me that I should give him a hug. I needed no convincing. I've been wanting to hug this man since I first saw him a few weeks ago. I reached down and gave him a hug and he hugged me so tightly! I seriously haven't had a hug like that in a long time. I told him to take care, and I went back to work. No tears from either of us this time. Just a warm heart and a full spirit.

God is so great. During the darkest times in your life, it's easy to feel as if God has forgotten you. But he will send you a signal that He hasn't forgotten you. And he gives you some hope, in what you feel is a hopeless situation. I don't know HM's story. I'm hoping to one day find out. I don't know how his life is going to work out. But based on the way that his attitude has shifted in just a few short days, I'm praying that he is able to see evidence of Christ's love revealed through the kindness of a few strangers. I pray that by people reaching out to him and helping him out, he has a renewed hope that perhaps his valley experience won't be always, and that God hasn't forgotten him.

The same goes for us. Regardless of your situation, no matter how dark your night...there is HOPE! (Jeremiah 29:11)

a compassionate heart....

I was somewhat hesitant to share this experience at first. It's a pet peeve of mine when people feel the need to brag about all of the nice stuff that they do for others. I don't do nice things for people because I look for accolades, but I do them because I just like making people feel good. BUT I felt compelled to share this. So I will...

No less than two weeks ago, I started to take notice of a man that has been hanging out near my job. At first I shrugged it off that he was perhaps just waiting for a bus home from work (he had on the same clothes the few days that I saw him). It wasn't until one morning that I saw him sitting on the bench with a blanket thrown over his head that it dawned on me. This man is homeless. I thought to myself, how sad. But I contined on with my day as usual. But every day that I walked past this man and saw him sitting on this bench, my heart would break just a little bit more.

The other day I had to cover for the receptionist for a few hours. I had perfect view of him on his bench. I watched him, for three hours, just sitting there. He would get up ever so often and stretch, but he just sat. I made up in my mind that I wanted to know his story. There was something about him that haunted me and I needed to know what it was. So I told myself that I'd get money and give to him and chat the next day. But of course I got too busy with my life and I didn't.

This morning walking into work, I saw him again. I decided to just go buy him food since I never carry cash and who knew when was going to be the next time that I made it to a bank. I took the food back outside and he wasn't there. So I told the receptionist to call me when he came back. When he came back, I went to him and he had his head bowed, so I thought maybe he was sleeping. I tried to nudge him & he didn't open his eyes. Not wanting to intrude, I simply left the bag at his feet and said "I hope that I didn't offend you, but it was on my heart to give you this", hoping that he could hear me. And I walked away.

But as I was walking away, I kept turning back to look. Just to see if he'd grab the bag. He never did, and I didn't want anyone to walk up and take it. So I was going to walk back and make him wake up (yup I'm rude lol). As I got closer, I noticed that he was crying. I kneeled down next to him and asked if I could pray with him. He nodded his head yes and I began to pray. At this time he began to sob. Full on "oh Lord" sobs. a nearly 6'0 300lb man...bawling like a baby. I'm not the best "prayer" in the world, so I kept it short. Just wanted him to know that God loves him and to help give him comfort no matter what his situation may be. I let him know that I was constantly praying for him and whenever I could help, I would try. I gave him a tissue, asked if he was going to be ok, and walked away.

My heart broke into two. I got back to my desk and began to cry. I don't know his situation. I don't even know his name (I asked. He shook his head. I didn't push.) There are a few more things that I might be able to do for him, so I hope that he can hang around in the area for a bit. Apparently a few other people in and around my job have helped him out as well, so that makes me feel better knowing that people are looking out for him. He seems like a really nice guy.

This whole situation just served as a reminder to me. One was to be obedient to the voice of God. There was "something" telling me that I should do something nice for this man. and for once, I didn't ignore it. And look what God did. He used me to give someone else some hope (even if only for a small moment). Second, be grateful. I know that I spend a lot of time focusing on things that probably won't even matter a few months from now. I spend a lot of time looking at what I "don't have". Wondering how I'm going to pay *this* bill, or *that* bill. How am I going to buy the next thing for Eden that she probably doesn't need. But I never really take the time out to say "God, thank you. For all that I do have. For I am blessed beyond what I deserve".

So I take the time today to give God thanks. I thank Him for all that He has provided for me. All that He has kept me and my family safe from. I thank Him for just being God. And above all, I thank Him for giving me a compassionate heart, so that I may share Christ's love to others.

Neglected

I feel bad that I've been neglecting my personal blog. But with a new baby and everything that comes along with it, things have been hectic. I'm even slacking on updating Eden's blog. So I promise to do better for my few readers!

Bitter baby mamas

wait....there's T-shirts?!
*face in palm*

Never in my life did i imagine that i'd end up as someone's "baby mama". It's a title that some wear proudly (Remember that song by Fantasia anyone?) For what it's worth, I hate that term and I negatively judge anyone who uses it. If you want to address me, I'm the "mother of your child, Eden's mom or simply...Monique." same goes for the "baby father/daddy" thing. I'll never (intentionally) refer to him as "my baby favah" lol. He's the father of my child, Eden's dad or [his name]. I just think it implies a certain level of respect & shakes that nasty  hoodrat stereotype associated with that title. But for the sake of this blog, I'll use the term.

I work in the courthouse so I see/hear all kinds of things. Most in the hallway, elevator, or reports from other people who have witnessed it & have come back to share. On Thursday I was in the elevator w/a gentleman & what I'm assuming is his current significant other. He laments: "man, this system is f****d up. It don't favor a man who really care about his kids and want see 'em. Swear my baby muvah is triflin as hell." idk how the rest of their convo went because we were only going up one floor (I know how lazy of all of us, cut me a break, I'm 9 months pregnant). But it really irritated me to hear this! I don't know their situation. She could very well be using the kids as pawns against him OR He could just be playing that "woe is me, my baby muvah is evil" card....I don't know, nor do I actually care.

With that said....we are ALL not bitter baby mamas. We're all not out to trap a guy into having a baby (which is the dumbest & most offensive thing possible to say. If she lied about being on the pill or poked holes in condoms then that's something different, but be for real...96.5% of these babies get here as a result of two people's irresponsibility.) Not all of these "baby mamas" are trying to use their kid as leverage because their "baby favah" has a new girlfriend that they don't like or because "he did me dirty". Not all of us are child support hungry wenches who want your money so we can get our nails done & hit the club w/our girls this weekend.

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of women out there like that. That's probably where "baby mama" got it's ugly connotation from. But for real, some of us really do just want what's best for our child(ren). We try to have a cordial relationship for the sake of the child(ren), we sacrifice, & bend over backwards and seems like the guy just doesn't get it!!! They blame the tense relationship on the woman & her actions. It's like something in their "alpha male" testosterone driven mind just doesn't click that "hey, just because our relationship didn't work out, we can still have a pleasant relationship for our baby." Nope, they revert to caveman mentalities.

"*grunts* She say I no the boss! *grunts* I show her!"

Or they start acting like a spoiled four year old..."*whines* she's not playing faiiiiiiirrr."

So when he's poppin off threats about walking away from the child(ren), or he stops lending financial support, or otherwise just making YOUR life more difficult than it needs to be (not realizing this can negatively impact the relationship with the children) and you in turn go into "mama bear defensive" mode, doing whatever you think is best for the safety & sanity of the child(ren) and yourself,  you've now been branded a bitter baby mama and your good hearted intentions are completely misconstrued.

It's frustrating to be misunderstood. Trying to make things work with someone who is being difficult for no apparent reason. It makes you wonder, what's the point? Why "play nice?"....simple answer....YOUR KIDS DESERVE IT! they didn't ask to be brought into a dysfunctional situation. The least you two as parents owe them, is the ability to be adults & put their mental,physical,emotional & spiritual well being ahead of your own proverbial pissing match!

And I have soooo many personal examples that I could use to really drive the point of this blog home, but I won't share. Apparently I do a wonderful job of letting the city of Annapolis in on my business & I should stop speaking so much on my personal situations lest it come back & bite me in the arse (since when is 100% honesty & transparency a crime?) In due time I won't self censor...due time.

Anyway, I'll just close with this. Guys, take a step back. Think if it's anything that you're doing (or not doing) that might be causing her to "act the way she is". Be honest with yourself...and her. And work on putting your PRIDE to the side to have a better relationship, remember, your child(ren) deserve it.

Conversely, women. If he's honestly making an effort to be a good father  to his child(ren), don't let your own emotions & how you feel about him get in the way. It's not about you sweetie. Get over yourself. Give the guy a break (only if he's sincerely making an effort.)

I'm aware that no situation is black & white. Sometimes you both may try & for whatever reason, it just doesn't work. If that's the case...caveman, meet Mama Bear, as you both inevitably meet "Da Judge."

Kisses :)